The trick of being 'authentic'

'I want to be my real self,' a female practice group head of a major law firm told me, 'But sometimes I'm not sure what that is. I mean, I'm one way at home and one way at work, and I'm different I suppose at a client presentation or when I'm with a team member I know well. Is one self false? And if I did bring my 'whole self' to work, whatever that is, I don't really believe people would accept it.'

A lot has been written lately about 'authentic leadership' and related topics such as 'bringing your whole self to work'. This is probably because so many of us have lost trust in each other. We feel we can't count on others at work to be honest with us and perhaps we've even lost sight of who we are underneath the ever-increasing demands in the law firm environment about who we should be.
I suspect a lot of us, a lot of the time, feel we're faking it.

Others just plain get it wrong. Take, for example, leaders, who in the name of being transparent and vulnerable, send out public messages with more information about themselves than anyone really wants to know, but show no interest in the lives of their people.

At the heart of this issue is: What is the 'real self'? Is there an 'untrue self' and how do you know when you're being it?

And, one of my favourites: if you consciously adopt new behaviours such as praising, which usually feels very awkward at first, are you being insincere? Which, of course, would make learning new skills pointless!

Questions such as these have been at the heart of many philosophies and psychological models, some more valid than others. Based on sophisticated real-time brain scans as well as new findings about the human genome and even our microbiology, what the latest science is telling us is this: we are complex, contextual beings, systems interacting with other systems. We are not the same in every situation. We are not islands any more than we are rocks, to misquote the old Simon & Garfunkel song. We react differently depending on who we are with, the time of day, the stage of our lives. Whether we are charging down a noisy highway or responding to the whispers of trees.

There is one constant of being human, and it's an important one. 80 percent of all our neurobiology and our genetics and even our microbiota are all about one thing: surrounding ourselves with a network of supportive relationships. But how we do this, our 'personality,' varies considerably and is mostly a mix of genetics and experience, both of which impact how our brain functions. Our character traits are largely the result of genetic predisposition, which accounts for about 40 per cent of our behaviours.

But these behaviours are governed by 'soft' genes rather than the 'hard' genes which determine our height, the colour of our eyes, our athletic prowess etc. These soft genes, which rule predispositions toward for example risk-taking or conservatism; optimism or pessimism; the desire to be a leader or not, are strongly affected by experience, most notably our interactions with others. If you feel you are different with different people, you probably are. And they are different for being with you.

So is your 'real self' determined by forces totally outside your control? We'll let the determinists and non-determinists fight that out. But what you can do is consciously take control of your relationship environment, which has a huge effect on you. Studies show we are more optimistic around positive people, peaceful around calm ones and confident in the company of those we trust. In fact, every conversation affects the workings of both your brain and genetics, which is why Daniel Goleman, who has written on emotional intelligence, has said that we 'co-create each other.'

Becoming who you really want to be requires wherever possible spending time with people who make you feel positive and confident, and wherever possible avoiding those who tend to make you feel, for example, miserable or insecure.

It means letting people honestly and clearly know what you need them to do - or refrain from doing - in order to have trusting, uplifting and positive relationships. And asking what they would need of you. These kinds of open, honest conversations are rare in business - and even at home. Yet you'd be surprised how much trust can be generated by even difficult conversations as long as they are in the service of mutually beneficial relationships. Of course they are also the basis of the leadership, cooperation and client relationships law firms must excel in if they are to thrive, or even survive, in the coming times. And I believe they are the real trick of being authentic.

Alicia Fortinberry, co-founder and principal, Fortinberry Murray