Hulk QC gets into the festive season

Hello, Hulk. Are you ready for your final column of 2014?

YES, BIG BOY.

A new survey suggests solicitors are placing pressure on experts to amend reports. Do you think this is a problem and, if so, then why?

NO PROBLEM. THE REAL EXPERTS ARE THE PUNY SOLICITORS, AS WE ALL KNOW.

A new report says that senior lawyers would not recommend a career in law. Would you recommend it as a career or is it, as the research suggests, ‘dominated by white, public school educated men’?

THERE IS NO DOUBT ABOUT THE LEVELS OF MASCULINITY IN THE LEGAL PROFESSION. NOR, HULK FEARS, ITS WHITENESS. BUT DON’T CONFUSE THE NUMERICAL SUPERIORITY OF THE OLD BOYS WITH LEGAL SUPERIORITY. ANYONE CAN MAKE IT IN THE LAW IF YOU’RE SMART ENOUGH, DETERMINED ENOUGH, AND WILLING TO SHOULDER HUGE QUANTITIES OF DEBT.

Apparently two out of three legal professionals find it hard to ‘do the right thing’ when it comes to their job. Do you ever struggle with ethical dilemmas?

HULK’S MAIN ETHICAL DILEMMA IS HOW MUCH TO CHARGE HIS CLIENTS. FORTUNATELY, HULK’S CLERKS ARE VERY SYMPATHETIC IN THAT DEPARTMENT.

The Law Society has withdrawn its controversial practice note on sharia succession rules. What did you think of the guidance?

WELL, FIRSTLY, THIS IS THE SORT OF MATTER YOU SHOULD REALLY BE SPEAKING TO HULK’S CLERKS ABOUT. BUT HULK WILL SAY HE IS KEEN ON BUILDING AN INTERNATIONAL PRACTICE.

Tesco is to face a compensation claim from disgruntled shareholders who suffered loss as a result of its recent overstatements of profit. What are your thoughts on this supermarket debacle?

HULK UNDERSTANDS THAT THE PUNY SOLICITORS HAVE ALL BEEN SHOPPING AT LIDL, AND THIS IS WHAT HAS CAUSED THIS CRISIS. AS LONG AS THE M&S ON CHANCERY LANE STAYS OPEN UNTIL 10PM, HULK IS NOT CONCERNED.

The chief legal ombudsman has resigned over an expenses row. Are you sad to see him go? What do you think is next for the LeO?

PROBABLY A WELL-PAID NON-EXEC JOB ON A TURGID COMPANY BOARD SOMEWHERE.

It appears the security and prison services have been listening in on confidential communications between prisoners and their lawyers and MPs. Any chance you’ve been “tapped”?

HULK HAD A QUEER EXPERIENCE AT UNIVERSITY WHERE MI6 DEFINITELY CAME UP IN CONVERSATION, BUT IT WASN’T THE ONLY THING TO COME UP. TO BE HONEST HULK WOULD BE DISAPPOINTED IF HE HADN’T BEEN MONITORED BY THE SECURITY SERVICES. MUST WORK HARDER.

A new SJ survey has found that a third of solicitors do not think their firm’s website portrays their firm correctly. What do you think of your chambers’ website? Is it ‘Hulkie’ enough for you? 

HULK’S CHAMBERS’ WEBSITE IS ABOUT AS ACCURATE AS IRAQ’S ‘COMICAL ALI’ IN THE 2003 WAR. BUT THE CLERKS SAY IT SELLS. 

And on that note, Merry Christmas, Hulk.

HUMBUG. SJ